– Because sometimes “How are you?” Isn’t Really a Question
Have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Wow… that hurt. That’s not what I needed right now”?
You share something personal, hoping for warmth, or just a quiet *“I hear you”… and instead? You get a sharp comment, unwanted advice, or even silence. Not because the other person doesn’t care – but because they didn’t get what you needed.
I know that feeling. Most of us do.
Let’s be honest – sometimes we don’t even know what to ask for. We just know something felt off.
When Words and Feelings Don’t Match
Social cues are those tiny signals – a raised eyebrow, the tone of voice, a pause. They’re the unspoken emotional subtitles beneath the words.
Research actually shows that over 90% of the emotional impact of communication comes from non-verbal cues. Think about that. We focus so much on what we say… but how we say it carries most of the message.
Yet, we assume people will understand us automatically.
The truth? We often overestimate how clearly we’ve expressed ourselves. A lot.
Why It Happens
Here’s the thing:
Even people who love us deeply may respond in ways that feel distant or too direct. It’s not always because they’re insensitive.
Sometimes it’s because:
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- They think they’re helping by giving solutions.
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- They’re wired to be direct – especially in certain cultures.
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- They’re tired, overwhelmed, or triggered themselves.
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- Or… they simply don’t realise that what we needed was presence, not answers.
And sometimes it’s us. We might be in a sensitive moment, carrying past hurts, or caught off guard.
– Pain often happens when expectations are invisible.
❗Validation vs. Fixing
Have you noticed how powerful it feels when someone just stays with you in your story?
Not trying to fix you.
Not trying to judge you.
Just being with you.
Psychological studies show that feeling understood acts like an emotional stabiliser. It’s not just nice – it’s grounding.
“I’m not looking for advice. Just for someone to stand next to me, emotionally.”
🤍 We All Need That One Safe Space
Because at the end of the day, we all deserve to feel safe enough to say:
“Right now, what I really need is just for you to hear me.”
No fixing. No teaching. Just connection.
So How Can We Get Better at This?
Here are some small but powerful shifts that can transform the moment:
💬 Say what you need:
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- “I don’t need advice – just someone to listen.”
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- “Can we keep this between us?”
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- “I’m not looking for a solution, just to share.”
👂 When someone opens up to you, try:
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- “Do you want me to listen, or help you think through it?”
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- “That sounds hard. Do you want to talk more about it?”
🧠 If a response feels too sharp:
Instead of pulling away, gently ask:
“Maybe I’m sensitive right now… could we slow this down?”
Or even:
“I know your intention was good. But something in the way it came out felt hard for me.”
This is emotional maturity. Not weakness.
🌍 Culture, Personality, Timing
Sometimes what feels harsh to one person is “normal” to another. Some cultures teach us to be direct. Others teach us to soften everything. Some people talk through logic. Others through feelings.
There’s no right or wrong – but there is room for awareness.
Understanding this helps reduce hurt and increases compassion.
My Final Thought
If someone doesn’t respond the way you hoped, it doesn’t always mean they don’t care. It may mean they didn’t read your emotional map.
So let’s help each other read better.
Because beneath misunderstandings, beneath the sharpness, beneath all the words…
👉 Most of us just want to feel seen, safe, and understood.
Try this today:
Next time someone opens up, instead of answering quickly, gently ask:
“Would you like me to just listen?”
It may be the most healing thing you say all day.
