On Parenting, Control, and the Teenage Journey
I don’t know about you —
but have you ever left a conversation with your teenage daughter feeling completely… speechless?
You came in with good intentions. You just wanted to help her focus, succeed, move forward in life.
But she?
Rolled her eyes, muttered “whatever,” and retreated behind the slammed door of her room.
And you’re left standing there wondering:
“What just happened? Why can’t I get through to her?”
Our Expectations vs. Their Reality
As parents, we carry dreams for our children.
We want them to succeed, thrive, and become the best version of themselves.
But somewhere along the road of adolescence, our expectations often begin to collide with their growing sense of independence.
It’s not that they don’t want to succeed.
It’s that success may mean something different to them — and our way of pushing, guiding, or even suggesting… may feel more like pressure than support.
What the Research Says About Control
Studies on parenting adolescents show that psychological control — using guilt, withdrawal of affection, or over-monitoring — can actually undermine a teen’s emotional development.
It’s linked to lower self-esteem, increased anxiety, and resistance to parental influence
(Soenens & Vansteenkiste, 2010).
Why?
Because at this stage of life, teens are wired to seek autonomy.
They’re not trying to be difficult — they’re trying to discover who they are without being told who they should be.
According to Self-Determination Theory, the three ingredients that teens need most are:
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- Autonomy (a sense of control over their own life)
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- Relatedness (feeling safe and understood in relationships)
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- Competence (believing they are capable)
When we support these needs, our children are more likely to develop intrinsic motivation — that internal drive to succeed, grow, and thrive, not because we expect it, but because they want it.
So What Can We Do Instead?
It’s not easy to let go of control, especially when we deeply care.
But parenting a teenager invites us to shift from being the “driver” to being the “companion on the journey.”
Here are a few things that can make a big difference:
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- Listen with curiosity instead of fixing.
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- Validate their experience before giving advice.
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- Let go of the outcome — and trust the process.
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- Support their autonomy, even if it means making peace with the messiness of growing up.
From “Success” to “Connection”
Maybe instead of asking “How do I make sure she gets it right?”
we can begin asking,
“How can I be present while she finds her way?”
Because in the end, our children don’t need perfect parents.
They need parents who are real. Who listen. Who adjust.
Who care more about who they are than about what they achieve.
Let’s Talk…
Have you had a moment like this with your teen recently?
What helped you reconnect — or what completely backfired?
